...death becomes clear through bloodshot eyes...

Last night Amanda and I went over to T.J. and Sue's house. It was alright, but then T.J. went to bed and I was sitting there listening to Matt, Sue, and Amanda re-hash the "Good old days" as she calls them. When that started to happen, I'll admit I got a little bored and tuned out. Plus I tire quickly hearing about Steve. At all.

Do you wanna hear about your girlfriends ex fiance all the time? Or at all? You neither? Okay, that's what I thought. And the fact that everything I've heard makes him out to be a fuck-up, and now she's with me? Makes me wonder what she sees sometimes.

I think I slept alright last night. Getting to sleep was the problem. And now I'm awake and I want to go back to sleep. I'm really wondering if there's something physically wrong with me. I get at least six hours of sleep every night, sometimes ten, and I still wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed. Maybe I'm dying.

Let's just make that our little secret, okay?

Much (insert adjective here),

Good morning everyone. Haven't been very tired recently. I've had some things on my mind, but nothing of major importance.

I have been so lazy recently. I can feel myself becoming weak. I really need to do something about that, but it's much easier to sit and get fat, eating shitty food and being on the computer all day.

I can't seem to stop working on my website. I'm putting more and more up, and since I'm on a free server, my space is beginning to become scarce. I'm too cheap to pay for the space though. Always a catch somewhere.

I've also been feeling somewhat stagnant. I'm not sure why, but I feel that there's so much that I want to do, and I don't have the means, motivation, or time to do them. If all I had to do was think it, and it happened, I think I'd be fucking rich by now.

I was doing some backmasking earlier, and I was listening to a song called "Habit" by Skrape. There's a part in the song where the lead sings, "It's okay to be... It's okay to be afraid... To throw it away...". When backmasked, to me, it sounded like he was saying "Tear off you skin... Tear it... Feed it to Satan...". Kinda creepy. Very odd stuff I do, yes.

I find that my obsession with the morbid is just that. If it has anything to do with death, devils, ghosts, afterlife, etc., you've got my attention. I don't really follow any of it, per se, but I do enjoy hearing stories of the sort.

Every time I sit down to do this, I get writers block. Happens every time. Fuck it.

My neck is stiff and sore, my eyes hurt, and I want to lay down.

But not in there.

Don't ask.

I haven't really felt right all day today. I've been in something of a funk. I haven't really felt like dealing with anyone today. My heart feels heavy, and I seem to be easily agitated.

I got up this afternoon, and I suppose I felt alright, but when I got out of bed, I started cleaning up around the house. Amanda played on the computer until I was about done with everything, then asks if I need help with anything. She didn't know, and I didn't ask her for help, but it still kinda made me mad. I'm strange like that. What I mean by that is: she practically lives here, doesn't pay for anything, and doesn't really do anything to help out. I will be the first to admit that I am a lazy fuck, but I can afford to do that in my own home. I say all this, and then the next time she asks if she can help with something, I tell her no. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

My eyes feel like they're gonna burst into flames, but I know the instant I go to lay down, I'm gonna be up again. The odd thing of this sleep issue recently has been that once I do fall asleep, I'm getting about eight hours before I wake up but I'm still waking up exhausted, almost as if I hadn't slept at all. Maybe the Portland trip took a little more out of me than I thought. Or maybe I'm just dying. Either way, I'm still here for now.

Joe and Dave came over tonight. The four of us (Amanda, Joe, Dave, and I) went to Wal-Mart for a late-night "something to do", and the only real funny highlight of the night was that Joe bought a bag of Jack Links Beef Steak Nuggets. He opened the bag in Dave's car, and it smelled like a 1,000 camels had shit and died. Cracking the windows only seemed to make it worse.

I just realized how much mindless nonsense I write in this damn thing. I've got a headache, and feel like I want to have sex, but at the same time I almost know I don't want to. I know that sounds odd. Just about every other word out of my mouth is something stupid.

I'm feeling very angry, yet unattached right now. I think I need something to drink. I also think that my head is moving 5 miles a minute right now, so this entry ends here.

Well, it's only 8 hours until my flight takes off from Portland. I am not tired at all right now. I guess I'll just sleep on the flight home.

Todays demos were a waste of a day. I didn't sell anything on the first two, and on the third one I got two orders, but it looks like they're both bad credit, so I just aided in the murder of another tree. :p

For those of you reading this that don't know me, I travel the country selling cookware to engaged couples.

I am so anxious to get home right now. I'm going to be hating it in May. I'm going to be gone the whole month, traveling between Idaho and Utah. My job is just so exciting.

Anyway, not much else to say here. Gotta get packing.

Everything went exacly like I thought it would yesterday. I did the demos, and when we got back to the room, I didn't even remember falling asleep. A call from Amanda woke me up, which was no big deal, but most times when I talk to her something doesn't feel right about our conversations. Most times it seems like we're on the phone just to be on the phone with each other. I like talking to her, but most times we never have anything to talk about. Reason being that I never really do anything when I'm out of town, and apparently she doesn't do much either. A persons tone has so much to do with it too. Past experience would lead to be believe something is going on, but I'm not so sure this time. There are some things that stick out in my mind, leading me to believe it's okay for me to come home and be comfortable around her.

I wrote two songs the other night. Well, they aren't really songs, more like little snippets of noise. Both of the two minute monstrosities have been posted on my website.

I've got three demos to do today as well, and I have yet to take a shower, so I gotta jet, but I'm sure I'll be posting more later.

I am going to be hating life. We're supposed to be up in two hours, I've got three demo's today, and I haven't gotten a wink of sleep.

This is fucking ridiculous.

I can't believe I'm still awake. If I tried to sleep now, it wouldn't do me any good. Either way I go, I'm going to be a fucking zombie all day. I feel fried as is, and I'm just laying here. I can only imagine what I'm going to feel like dancing around in front of large groups of people all day today.

I think I might need to put myself on some sort of medication. Something that will knock me out when it's time for night-night. I know this isn't healthy. I think that tonight when we're done I'm going to get some sleeping pills. Than again, after everything else, I might not need them after it's all said and done.

And the worst part of being up like this is that there's nothing to do. No one to talk to. I'm all alone in this room. Well, Mark's here, but he's sleeping.But outside it's looking like it's shaping up to be a beautiful day.

I really miss Amanda.

Well, well, well... here I am again. I'm not even really all that tired. You'd think I would be, considering I was asleep rather early last night, but then you've got to keep in mind I had to get fucking plastered to do so. I was up somewhat early today, and I kept busy, but I'm just not tired.

Today was such a lazy day. I didn't get out of bed until it was time to work tonight.

I'm drawing a blank tonight. I can't really think of much to say.

Well, I slept last night. Granted it was a beer induced sleep, I was out by three. I'm feeling a bit more optimistic this afternoon, but physically I'm quite achy. My neck is killing me.

I think that being on the road with Mark is much better than being with Jeff. Time seems to go by faster. Granted I've been away from home for a week now, it feels like a week. If I were with Jeff, it would've felt like a month. That's one of the main reasons I don't like working with him. Plus when I'm doing all the demos time seems to go by much faster.

Everyone is being very supportive on this trip too. I haven't really been selling a whole lot here, mainly because everyone says they're broke, but they spent forty dollars on dinner before coming in for the demo. I hate stupid people.

Sometimes I wonder why everything has to be such a challenge. I'm not just talking about working, I'm talking about everything. The job you do, the people you know, your family. When you do something, what are you doing it for? For the paycheck, the appreciation, the sex, or for yourself. We are all whores. Everyone has their own hidden agenda. By that train of thought, I'm probably the biggest whore of them all. People like me, they do and do for people and don't really get much in return. We don't ask for it, we expect it. That's why I've pretty much given up hope on a lot of things. I don't ask for much, but when I do, 90% of the time, it doesn't happen. That's why I've gotten used to not speaking my mind. Because I don't get the appreciation, and sometimes not even the paycheck. The sex I think I get just because, but that's not even for me.

If I were doing something for me, I wouldn't do anything.

It doesn't matter what you say, there isn't one person that you know that is behind you 100%. They have a reason for knowing you. What can you do for them? God forbid you should know someone just to know them. It kinda makes me sick thinking about it.

I don't feel right today. If it were up to me, which it is, I wouldn't do a demo tonight. I'd just stay in the room all night, being the big lazy fuck that I am. I was up until 9 in the morning again. I wasn't really thinking about anything, I just wasn't tired. But this afternoon Im not feeling too well mentally. I felt like I was dreaming right before I woke up, but I can't remember. I kinda snapped awake. I'm just feeling rather desperate today, but that's nothing new. Pretty much like any other day. I can be a very pessimistic person. A lot of the time I never really feel like doing anything. I can be out with my friends, and we could be having the time of our lives, and I would still feel like crying. I can be with my girlfriend, which I enjoy very much, and still not feel totally content. A lot of things in my life feel empty. When I was a little kid I once had a great feeling of hope and related well with adults. Now that I'm a supposed adult as well, that hope has pretty much all but died, and my relationship with people in general has degenerated. I really don't feel like I get along with anyone. I'm not a dick, but I just can't relate to most people anymore.

This feeling of hopelessness and dispair that I feel on a day to day basis is something that I suppose I've gotten used to, but I don't want to feel this way anymore. I think I've learned to fake it pretty well, putting a smile on my face when needed, but it's getting harder to get up every day and put on an act for everyone around me. But as they say, life is a stage.

Look at someone when they think you're not looking. I mean really look at them. Someone that you think you know. A good friend. A family member. Your significant other. What do you see? Don't lie to yourself either. The funny part of this is that when you ask that person what's on their mind they will tell you nothing.

I don't believe that I'm the only one that feels this way. I feel that there are a lot of people across the country that feel the same way. If they're out there, I feel sorry for them. But this is my space. My own personal webspace to bitch, so it's not about them. It's about me, which is odd because I don't like to talk about myself.

One never knows how much one hates oneself until they've stayed up all night, every night, for a week and numbs out to Cartoon Network. Don't get me wrong, I love Cartoon Network, but I've had so much of it I'm about to vomit. The only downside is that if I change the channel, I will vomit because there isn't shit on tv. Ever. Everytime you change the channel anytime after midnight, some motherfucker is asking for your money in some infomercial, and everytime I see one I say to myself (this is how much of a loser I am), "You're not getting my money". Vaccuums, tools, investment schemes, kitchen products... you can all blow me. But I gotta give them credit. Obviously someone is falling for it, otherwise they wouldn't air the damn things.

Captain Planet is on right now. Quite possible one of the worst cartoons I've ever seen. The message is a good one, but it looks like the animators drew everything with their pencils stuck in their asses. I hate shitty animation.

The sun is just now starting to come up here in Portland. I swear I feel like a vampire, in the sense that I sleep all day and I'm up all night. The fucked part about it is I wanna be up during the day to enjoy it. Hell, if I could figure out a way, I don't think I'd sleep. You can find more productive wastes of your time that way.

Anyway, lights out.

Ah yes, the end of another overly long day, and here I am yet again. I almost feel addicted to this, and I just started this thing this morning. I've done a lot of work to my webpage recently, and sometimes I wonder why I even bother. No one knows it's there, and if they do they don't care. Just like this blog. It's here, but who's gonna read it?

I'm back. Again. I'm just getting up. I know, I'm such a lazy fuck, but when you don't fall asleep until 10 or later, getting up early is a problem. I'm in Portland, OR right now on business, and Mark is sick. He woke up this morning and was feeling poorly. It's been cold and rainy here a lot since we've been here, but he looks like he's in hell. He's vomited twice today already. This poor guy is 48 years old, severely overweight, forgetful as fuck, and trying to sell health products. It's one of those things you've got to see in order to understand. On the whole though, he can be a good guy.

My ex-girlfriend Sarah called me earlier this afternoon. One of these days, I'll let you all know about her. Save some stuff for later. Anyway, she leaves me a message asking me for advice on something. Against my better judgement, I call her back and thankfully there's no answer. I just think it's funny, someone who begs to talk to me doesn't even answer their phone when I call back.

I really wanna go home.

"...thank you to the people in my life for putting up with me..."

The most fun thing about sleep deprivation is when all your senses play games with you. Especially your eyes. I could swear that I've seen my pillow move about five times in the last hour. I should shoot it. Damn pillow. Or as a good friend of mine would say "pellow". Go ahead, say it out loud and see how stupid it sounds. Like "warsh". Buy a fucking dictonary and quit putting letters in words where they don't belong. Just because you can speak doesn't mean you get to be an asshole about it.

Wow. I'm in a mood, huh? Amazing how those things have a way of creeping up on you.

And the other beautiful thing about being up all night is I've probably taken 5 hours off my life tonight alone with all the smoking I've done. I'm just about to finish a cig up now, so I will depart once again to tackle my largest demon, the mattress.

Oh yeah, I got a website too. The Realm Of Death. You should go check it out. Some pretty cool stuff there. Maybe... alright, I'm a liar. So what? Just go there!

I've decided to admit it to the world. Those closest to me already know it, and I figure what better anonymous way to prove I'm a chicken shit: I fucking hate myself. As I type this it is almost 8 in the a.m. and I can't sleep. It has nothing to do with me being tired, because I am exhausted. I was up all day yesterday, up all night, and I can't sleep. My head lights up with a lot of stupid shit when my head hits the pillow, totally waking me up. So I get out of bed to do something (i.e. post a blog) and I get tired again. Lay down and the head starts up again. Repeat until you pass out. It's enough to make a person want to take their head off, which I have considered quite seriously. There really isn't much story behind all this, just me having a skewed view on a lot of things, and I don't plan to go into it here right now. So to all of you who don't care, I wish you well.