...death becomes clear through bloodshot eyes...

Song of the Day: "Down" - Earshot

Mark will be here in about half an hour. We're working this weekend, and I don't have to drive all the way out to Olive to get him this time. It's amazing that gets me somewhat excited.

Amanda and I saw Dave on Thursday. I must say that he's a bit "gone". When I say that, I mean I don't think he's seeing his doctor anymore, and whatever medication he is or was on isn't working anymore. We meet up with him, hang out all afternoon, and everything goes fine until it's time for him to go to Joes and Amanda and I decide not to go. Suddenly he's going off about how we hate him and don't want to be his friends. I won't go into the whole of it, it just bothered me. I'm a bit worried about him.

Amanda and I watched "The Whole Ten Yards" and "Jacob's Ladder" last night. "Yards" was better than I thought, but wasn't great. "Ladder" was better than I thought, but strange. I realize now how you were supposed to be fooled, but we both saw the ending coming. Still good nonetheless.

I was also at the Antique Mall. Picked up a bunch of cards. Finally got around to collecting the new series of Wacky Package cards as well. Some of them are pretty funny.

Otherwise, nothing new here. Just reporting in, considering I haven't done so in a few days. See you again soon.

Song of the Day: "The Nameless" - Slipknot

Hello boys and girls. I have returned from one hell of an empty-handed trip in Bedford, TX., and I am fucking ecstatic. It'll be nice to be off until Saturday, and it seems like I'm gonna have a lot of stuff to do while I'm in town.

I feel good.

I got the coolest vacuum cleaner today. It's made by a company called Dyson. It's a bit pricey, but it's what I wanted. The picture doesn't do it justice. It's almost like a Transformer. Or a proton pack. (No, Nick, you can't wear it around in public. If you want to do that, buy your own.)

I feel great.

Otherwise, I've got shit to say. If my telling you about my vacuum is any indication of that.

Today has been one of the best days I've had in a long time.

By the way, here's the official Saw movie website. There isn't anything there, but if you're interested, check it out. The other link I posted a few days ago is much better.

Dream sequence: I'm in a room somewhere. An aged room, the wood worn and the paint dried and cracking off the walls and doors. The room isn't lit, but I have a flashlight in my pocket (Silent Hill style) and I'm looking for keys scattered around the room to open a door. Before I can get these keys, there are menial tasks that I have to complete, revealing the keys. I must complete all tasks, reveal the keys, and gather them before a hairless mutt (dog) eats the keys.
 
I complete the tasks, but the dog has already eaten two of the keys. I reach down to the floor and grab something that resembles a hatchet, and as the dog is swallowing the next key, I slit it's throat. Blood pours across the floor and the key falls from its throat. It's entire body goes inside-out and then implodes upon itself, leaving a large puddle of blood on the floor.
 
I take the keys, line them up on a shelf behind me, and open a door in front of me to my right. The door opens easily enough, a huge billowing cloud of fog flying out as soon as the door opens. Once the fog has cleared, I see that behind the door is nothing but a broom closet.
 
End sequence.

Song of the Day: "The Becoming" - Nine Inch Nails

Bud Light is my friend.

Saw  Go check this out. This movie looks fucking sweet. Watch the trailers. I can't wait.

We had nine couples show tonight. It felt like I got kicked in the balls for two hours, considering I was doing the demo for the back wall of the room.

I'm home in four days, which I suppose is good. I really don't feel like I have anything to come home for.

I woke up one other time this morning, and almost thought I wasn't going to be able to get back to sleep. I don't remember dreaming anything, but I woke up with such a feeling of panic and dread I felt like some catastrophe was happening.

Things have just been odd recently. I've kinda felt like I've been living in a dream recently. Maybe something more like a nightmare.

Maybe becoming desensitized is a good thing. Letting go of the one thing that I guess I have left.

People are talking about people, and most all of it comes back to me. I must say this: I don't understand why everything in life has to be a big drama. What drives us to talk behind a persons back, or to hate someone that we don't agree with? Is their way of doing things wrong because it isn't the way you'd do things?

I think it's even more amazing how a persons view of someone changes over time. Maybe I shouldn't. When you first meet someone, they're generally wearing a mask. As time progresses the mask starts to slip, and then falls away, revealing the real person behind it.

I haven't liked what I've seen in most people.

Song of the Day: "Say Goodbye" - Year Of The Rabbit

And you were gonna say, "That was the Song Of The Day on the last post". Fools.

Anyway, sales here in Texas have taken a turn for the worst. We're lucky to talk one couple into doing anything now.

I think I'm becoming an alcoholic, cause when I'm out of town all I want to do at the end of the night is drink myself to "passout".  It doesn't seem to be working tonight. 96 oz. of beer later (still going, mind you) and I'm here.

People laughed at Delarber for liking Hentai, but I seem to have an odd affliction for it now too. I think it's because Hentai women are perfect and never mind being "photographed" totally nude, no matter what they're doing.

I'm sick, I know. So what?

This trip has gone by quicker than I would've thought so far. Sleeping all day will do that, I guess.

The new Catwoman movie looks more gay than a man in a speedo.

Suddenly, the beer headache has kicked in. It's time to shut this thing down.

I don't even know why I'm posting this. Maybe for interpretation.
 
Dream Sequence:  I'm at Sarah's house. I just walk in the front door without knocking, holding an extremely large styrofoam cup full of coffee. I walk into the living room, and there's someone sitting in a recliner watching tv. It's one of her brothers friends and he asks me what I'm doing there. I just reply with, "I was invited".
 
*FLASH*
 
I'm on the road, with Mark and Amanda. We're all naked, but Mark is in bed under his blankets (Thank God). Amanda takes my laptop into the bathroom so she can play with her Neopets, and I've got nothing to do. So I walk out of the bathroom and Sarah and some other guy are in my bed, both of them naked as well. But they aren't fucking. Mark is talking to Sarah and this other guy is talking to me, trying to get me to fuck her. I just sit there listening to this guy when he pulls out a box of condoms and hands me one. All conversation ceases at this point. The three of them are looking at me. "I'd better check with Amanda first", was the only think I could think to say. So I go into the bathroom to tell her what's going on, and she just disappears. So I grab my laptop and IM her wondering where she went: That I had this crazy story for her, and I got a response from someone called emule. The response looked exactly like this.
 
emule: die.
 
Then the screen went black, and I woke up.

Song of the Day: "Say Goodbye" - Die Symphony
Suddenly, I've turned into a Koin whore with Mortal Kombat: Deadly Alliance.
 
We had five couples show up tonight, and I didn't sell a damn one of them. Fuck.
 
I've also been downloading video clips from Silent Hil 4: The Room. I'm tempted to watch them, but I haven't played the game yet. It still hasn't been released. Should I give in to my inner demon and spoil everything for myself? I really want to, but I don't think I will.  
  
I don't understand what the deal is with Cartoon Network playing all these old anime shows. Lupin the 3rd looks like a retarded monkey.
 
I now realize that if other people don't care, why should I?

Song of the Day: "Why I'm Here" - Oleander
 
I just woke up about half an hour ago.
 
We had eight couples last night. I sold four of the eight for $8,800. Yeah buddy.
 
Once I fell asleep last night, it was about 6 a.m. I would've thought that I would've gotten to sleep right away, considering the day I had, but that wasn't the case.
 
I've got nothing else to say.

Song of the Day: "Chamber Dance" - Die Symphony
 
For the last twenty minutes, I've been sitting here trying to collect my thoughts so I'd have something to write about. It hasn't been working very well.
 
Mark bought me a pack of American Spirit cigarettes for my birthday. They're the ones made by indians, 100% additive-free. They aren't too bad.
 
I am also now a member of the AudioBlogging community, so I'll have to try that out sometime. It sounds like fun.
 
I've been chainsmoking like a motherfucker recently, and I'm paying for it. I need to quit. My zippo is out of fluid and I left my huge bottle of it at home, along with my flints.
 
Something is breaking inside of me. It's hard to live when all you do is die little by little each day.

I don't know why I bother anymore. This is not right.

I know this sounds typical of me. I also know that, at this point, I don't care what you think.
 
It took me an hour to write this shit.

Song of the Day: "I Want Love (Studio Mix)" - Akira Yamaoka
 
We are here in Dallas. We have three demos today. Our first one starts in about an hour.
 
My birthday was alright. Got a lot of cash from family, a Playboy beer mug and an skull ashtray from Amanda.
 
I am tired.
 
There were some things that I was thinking about last night that I can't seem to remember now.
 
I'm sure I'll post more later.

Song of the Day: "Tongue Tied" - Earshot

I guess Quill is right.

"Get busy living, or get busy dying."

Song of the Day: "Natural Life" - Breaking Benjamin

I don't know how much longer I can operate like this. One would think, with the way I'm feeling (physically), that I would be sleeping right now.

I feel like I'm becoming a bit delusional. But one of these days I'm going to find out that I really do have the power to wave my hand and make my upstairs neighbors heads implode. Not that they're pissing me off, it's just an example. When that does happen though, you all better watch out.

I must admit: I am a liar. Something is wrong. I don't want to talk about it.

More likely, I don't how to talk about it. Here I am, four days from 24 years of age and I'm a bitter old man. I feel as though I harbor so much hatred for everything that I'm going to explode if I don't hurt someone.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: People are stupid.

I used to think that my purpose on this Earth was to help people. I'm not so sure that's what I'm here for anymore, and if it is I don't want to. I'm tired of trying to aid a useless cause. I'm tired of helping the helpless. I want to shove my hand down their throats each time some verbal defecation falls out of their mouth and rip their innards out.

It's time to drive nails again.

I'll explain later.

A six pack later, I'm looking for that nailgun but come to realize I don't have one. Maybe I should talk to Beavers' step-dad.

Song of the Day: "Traversing The Portals Of Reality" - Akira Yamaoka

I have returned from my nice little weekend stint in Effingham/Springfield IL. What a fucking waste of my time.

I was able to score my birthday off, which is pretty cool. I don't have anything planned, or anything in mind that I wanna do, so it makes me wonder why I asked for the day off.

Principle, I guess.

Something isn't right with me.

When you wanna nailgun your head to the wall, you can come and talk to me.

"This is gonna come out bitchy, but I have a life outside of you."

You're right. It did.

Song of the Day: "So Cold" - Breaking Benjamin

For the last two days I have been attending meetings for work. Normally I hate doing such things when I'm in town, but they actually weren't that bad. We're releasing a new line of cookware and it looks like it's going to be pretty cool, now that I've seen a hands-on demonstration.

July 4th went off pretty well. We made a bomb (at the last second) and it turned out better than I thought, granted it was pretty small compared to some of the bombs from years past.

Tomorrow afternoon we leave for Effingham and Springfield, IL.

My birthday is coming on the 15th of this month, and I'm trying to get off, but it looks like I'm going to be driving to Dallas on that day. I like Mark (somewhat) but he's not the person I'd wanna spend all of my day with, especially my birthday.

Otherwise, I'm just chilling. Drinking a beer, doing some laundry, etc. I dunno what I'm gonna do from here, but I just wanted to report in.

Song of the Day: "4th Of July" - Soundgarden (It seemed appropriate.)

Happy "Blow Shit Up" Day everyone!

I got home on Friday, and I've been keeping busy since I got home. I had a group of people over last night, and tonight I'm supposed to have another gathering.

I was the number one sales person for the month of June in all of our company, and the number one sales person for the year in all of our territory. Considering this is my first year on my own I don't feel that's any small feat.

I also picked up the new Breaking Benjamin and Earshot cd's last night. So far, they both sound pretty good.

Anyway, Amanda and I supposed to go to her moms house this afternoon for a little barbeque. So I'm going to be a dork and play games before we have to go.

Song of the Day: "Waiting For You ~ LIVE AT HEAVENS NIGHT" - Akira Yamaoka

Amanda is mad because I'm going to see Spiderman 2 this Saturday without her. She's going to Seans that day.

She complains that we're not going to be spending any time together while I'm home from this trip, because she had her Saturday planned, and I've got business meetings on Tuesday and Wednesday.

Now, she says that she HAS to go this Saturday. Last time I checked, not even I could make her do anything she didn't want to. So what it comes down to is (in my opinion): I'm just supposed to build my schedule around her.

I don't fucking think so.

I'm gone most of the fucking year anyway. You wanna go spend time every weekend with them, even when I've been gone for two weeks (or more) and all you can say is how much you miss me, then you go anyway. I don't want to hear a fucking word about what I do when I get home. You go out there every week, most weeks doing nothing but sitting around, and I don't say one word. It's all just a matter of priority, and I know where it lies with you.

I wish you were this adamant about finding a job.

Yes, I know I'm going to hear about this, but whatever. You wanna know what I'm thinking, otherwise you wouldn't read this.

Why am I here? You tell me.

Hizzy, I'm sorry, but I could've just about knocked your fucking teeth out the night you wrote Amanda that check. I bet you still haven't even seen that money. Wouldn't surprise me.

Call me petty. So fucking what? I'm getting really fucking sick of a lot of things. (Sorry Hiz, but it just so happened that was keeping me awake, so I picked that topic in particular.) I would say mainly a lot of things with myself are pissing me off, but that wouldn't be completely true. Not only would I be lying to myself, but I'd be lying to all of you.

I will admit I am too sensitive about a lot of things, but nowhere near as sensitive as those Province boys can be (...no comment, you all know what's up...). Every time I say "Fuck it" I wish I really meant it. I try to distance myself from all the stupid shit that I can, but in the end it always catches up to me. I get to thinking about how people work (in my perception) and it makes me sad. It depresses me, and I get to a point where I hate myself for feeling the way I do.

It can be like a train wreck at times. I can't seem to pull myself away. Humanity in general never ceases to stupify me.

There have been plenty of nights I've drifted to sleep with thoughts of stabbing out someones eyes, just to spite them. Driving nails through their throat, just to get them to shut up (or stop snoring). Busting someones head against the ground until there's nothing left but a red smear of blood and brain tissue left on the pavement.

Sometimes, these thoughts are turned on myself.

I want to put a gun to the head of the world and pull the trigger.

"I wanted to put a bullet in the head of every panda that wouldn't screw to save it's species."

In essence, I fucking hate each and every fucking one of you and I hope you choke on your own fucking blood as you die a slow and painful death.

...

That felt good.

...i push my fingers into my eyes...

Song of the Day: "Wait And Bleed" - Slipknot

Every time I hear the last part of this song, it gives me goosebumps.

We had five couples. I sold one. These fuckers in Oregon are stupid.

I just watched a video of Slipknot on the Jay Leno show, playing Duality. They were promoting Volume 3 (which should technically be Volume 4), and I must say that Corey has come a long way with his vocal styling. I also find it interesting when heavy metal bands are on network television, especially when it's a popular late night show. I've seen them on Conan too, but they seem right playing there.

I also picked up Johnny The Homicidal Maniac today. It's an interesting comic, and I'm suprised I didn't pick up on it before. I've heard people talk about it, and seen a lot of it on the net, so I went out and bought the Director's Cut, and so far it was worth the twenty spot I dropped on it.

Just one more demo tomorrow, and then we're home.

Yea buddy.