...death becomes clear through bloodshot eyes...

I have been awake since 8:45 am. I got a bit tipsy last night, as in celebration of this trip coming to an end, and I fell asleep rather promptly. Now I can't get back to sleep, and we've got a 20 hour drive ahead of us.

It will come to figure today is gonna suck. I wake up early and can't get back to sleep. The orders from this weekend that we've shipped back have been lost in the mail. It's possible Mark put them in the wrong box. It would only come to figure that we'd have ten couples show up tonight, and not sell a damn thing.

Doritos for breakfast. I have a Freddy Krueger doll to add to my collection of crap when I get home. My good friend Erich *snicker* picked it up for me at an antique mall.

I've got a cooler loaded with Bawls and Rockstar for the drive home. I'm going to be doing the overnight part of the drive, and going through the mountains at night isn't fun.

I'm just so excited to be coming home.

Amanda's Birthday Wishlist

1. Buffy Season 6 Box Set
2. A pony
3. “My Fair Lady”
4. A pony
5. “Practical Magic”
6. A pony
7. Audrey Hepburn Tin
8. Oh, oh… a pony!
9. And a pony


Seriously jacked.

We had four couples tonight. We sold nothing.

I had a dream last night. I dreamed that we came down to the last day of this trip, when Tony called me and told me that we were going to be out for another two weeks. As a result, every girl I ran into along the way, I was asking for naked pictures of them. I was denied every time.

I guess that's more like a nightmare.

I feel like writing something here, but I'm not so sure what I wanna write. So if this entry proves boring, I'm apologizing in advance.

We had seven couples tonight, and we sold four of the seven for $7,200. Not a bad number, but it's too bad that most of it's bad business. That brings us up to a total of $52,000 total (on paper). We'll see what of that goes through.

I slept until 5:00 this afternoon. It felt good to finally get a decent night (or day) of sleep. The only problem now is that I'm not all too tired, which will be good on Wednesday. After we finish the demo, we're packing up and hitting the road. It's a twenty hour drive, of which I will be driving the overnight shift.

I picked up a pack of Camel Bayou Blast (Mardi Gras Berry Blend) and Back Alley Blend (with a hint of bourbon). The Bayou Blast really aren't that good. I haven't tried that Back Alley yet, but I don't like bourbon. I just like to try new things. Sometimes.

When I woke up, I felt like I was in a good mood, but laying there I started to think about shit. I really think she was gonna leave over not having the pictures taken. Just something I was thinking, and I don't know why. I haven't thought about that for a week, and it just popped into my head. I'm feeling like maybe this is something I should reconsider. I love her, but I just keep feeling that something isn't right with the way things are going.

Amanda had a dream the other night that I was breaking up with her. She said I freaked out over something, but she wouldn't tell me what. She told me she didn't wanna talk about it, which pissed me off. She said she wanted to forget about it, but now I'm wondering what the fuck would make her have a dream like that.

I am so lost.

Off to bed I go.

Right now I'm on Bored.com, doing some sort of music thing, where you listen to music and rate it. It's supposed to be stuff that hasn't been released, but I guess I'm too late. I've heard all this crap before.

We wrote about $8,000 in business tonight. Better than I thought we'd do here, with the way people are around here. We'll see how things go tomorrow.

Amanda and I didn't talk tonight. Very odd. What's odd about it is that we normally talk every night when I'm gone. She said she was tired.

Overall, I guess things are going pretty well. Things are going in a great direction. I'm making nice cash, I'm having more of a say in what's going on with my job, and I'm the number 2 sales rep in the country right now. I've got the support of my friends and family. I suppose things couldn't be better.

I want to put a fucking bullet in my head.

I should be doing a demo right now, but I'm not. We did our noon, didn't have a three, and we shall see about the six.

We are now in Salt Lake City, UT. The last leg of the trip. I'm sitting in the lobby, as their wireless high-speed only works in the lobby. I could use the phone line, but dial-up sucks.

I thought I had something to say, but I guess I don't.

Oh my GOD! You have GOT TO SEE THIS!

German Safety Video

I was in fucking stitches! I suggest "Save as...". This is one you'll wanna show people.

The Hizzy is not moving to Bayshore Apartments anymore. She is now moving to Black Forest Apartments. I'm happy to have her in my community. Way to go Hizzy!

I like having friends close by.

Steve also got a job working for Horizon Homes, training at $8.00 an hour to start. After that, he gets a raise. I'm happy that he finally found something. Way to go Steve!

I like seeing people around me succeed.

I'm stiff, I'm sore, I'm bored and lonely. I really wish we were coming home today. I don't feel like doing anymore demos.

My neck is killing me.

I wanna come home.

Argh. I cannot sleep. My head has been going, with what I don't know.

I've been thinking of posting older journal entries, stuff that I've actually hand-written, that I still have in my posession. The only problem with that is this: It'd be too confusing to read. With the way it's written, there's a lot of sidebar stuff, drawings, and other randomness that make it what it is. I don't have a scanner, and I'm not so sure that if I did, I would put it up anyway. Some of it's way too personal. Some of it would really make some people question why they even know me.

But if you're not asking yourself that now it must not be a problem, huh?

I hate it when deja vu strikes. I'm laying here, doing some backmasking, (I know, it sounds retarded) when I remember doing this exact same thing at some other time. I believe it was in a dream, but it just came up on me so suddenly, and I get goosebumps every time it happens. It almost makes me feel like everything that is done is pre-ordained. Like we have no real say in what happens, because it's already happened. We're just here to repeat it. For all I know, I've typed this blog entry a million times and wouldn't know it.

I'm not feeling so hot tonight. I'm rather lonely, and feel like crying. (That seems to be a reoccuring theme with me. I'm such a pussy, I know.) I'm not really tired, cause I feel like my mind is moving so quickly, but I can't seem to place my finger on anything. I almost feel claustrophobic.

I need something cold to drink.

Right now we're watching "Matrix: Reloaded", and I must say that I enjoy it much more the second time around. Simply because the special effects are pretty good.

I'm working on a Silent Hill quiz on Quizilla right now too. It's one to see which character from the game you really are. When it's finished, I'll post it here.

Only seven more days until my uneventful return home!

I just found something of a more complete version of the song "Room Of Angel" on a Silent Hill message board. It damn near made me cry.

Download it here.

Then again, it could've been the six pack of Triple Black.

I was bored last night, so I grabbed my camera and took some pictures of myself. No, not of "myself", you pervert. I can look at that anytime I want to. Just some face shots, and I realized that I really don't look so good.

I've been listening to the new Fear Factory cd "Archetype" a bit more. I actually like it now, considering I now understand that Dino is no longer part of the band. It was just odd getting used to, coming from "Digimortal" to this. It's more of a return to "Demanufacture" with a bit of "S.O.A.N.M" thrown in for good measure. I like it.

"God help me pour this gas on me."

We got to he hotel in Boise yesterday, and I've gotta say this hotel sucks. We had a reservation for our sleeping room, and we get here they have us in a single queen bed room, with a pull-out. Apparently the rest of the hotel is booked up, so I'm stuck with a metal bar in my back, considering Mark would probably break the pull-out. Our meeting room was also set up wrong. That wasn't a suprise, but it still only added to the shittiness of the day. The Hilton chain of hotels should be shut down. They totally bend you over on everything in their hotels.

I don't feel so well mentally. It's getting harder, trying to keep myself calm. For the last week or so, I've just felt like telling everyone to fuck off. There's just too much shit going on. With everything.

I am so bored.

All hail the Goddess of Caffeine! She is the only thing that kept me awake, and quite possibly alive. And here I am, a six pack later, not really thinking about sleep. I'm tempted to watch a movie, but I'm not so sure I feel like it.

I only got about three hours of sleep last night, but I was having some dream at that point. All I really remember was something about peanut butter. I do not remember Bob Dole, however.

Fuck you. It's none of your business.

I want to know what gunpowder tastes like.

I was bored, so I created a quiz about me.

Take it here.

Check the What am I section to see what movie I am.

I am so proud!!!!!!!

We should've just taken the day off. Of the three demos we had booked today, we only did one, and I got one order. Better than yesterday, doing two of the three and not selling anything.

Apparently I come third after rain forests and animals on Amandas list of important things. I guess I can handle that, considering I beat her mom out at fourth. I get the bronze.

There's a multi-regional portable DVD player that I found on Overstock.com for $299. I would buy it but the only problem is, for whatever reason, they won't ship that product to U.S. territories.

The Hizzy is moving soon. She's landed an apartment in Arnold. But from what I've recently heard about Bayshore apartments, it's almost like the crackhead district of Arnold. I don't think she knows that, but it's pretty much the trashiest white trash area to live in. Maybe that's why they're so cheap.

You know, I've been thinking. (And I just realized how stupid that looks when you think about it. Anyway...) I think she knew what she was doing. I think she knew and didn't tell me because she knew I'd freak out. It bothers me when I think about it, but what's done is done.

Maybe I should quit being such a whiney bitch.

I wish I knew what was wrong with me.

A funny little anecdote: I was so disgusted by the Nick Berg video that I had to have a piece of pizza. Cold as shit and nasty as hell, thinking of some dude losing his head, but filling nonetheless.

I think I can sleep now.

I just watched the Nick Berg video. I thought I could handle it, but I just about lost the contents of my stomach. It's the screams that got to me. Then there's that silence.

What the fuck have we gotten ourselves into?

If that's something you wanna see, you can go find it yourself. I'm too disgusted to post it here.

I really hate HTML. As you can see, I've done some re-vamping on the look of my blog. I tried to use a different template, but I ended up not liking it. So I went back to my old one, updating how some of it looks and adding a comment section. I need to learn more about what I'm doing.

I am so computer illiterate.

"The fear of blood tends to create fear for the flesh."

It's amazing what a difference a couple hours makes.

One other little thing of note, Danielle stopped by my grandma's house again tonight. I really don't understand why she continues to go there, even after we've been broken up for about four years.

Stupid twat.

I was asked three times, I gave the same answer three times, and it was done anyway. It feels good to know you think as highly of what I want as of other people. I'm so glad you asked. It's nice to know where I stand.

You wonder why I never talk to you.

People wonder why I never speak up.

I broke down. I couldn't handle the day anymore.

What I wanna do versus what I'm gonna do are two totally different things. I'm going to take a shower and do the demo tonight.

By the way, thanks for getting me motivated this morning, dad. You motherfucker.

Ya know, I am so psyched about SH4. I know, I'm such a dork, but I can't help it. There's a song from the soundtrack, in particular, that's really sticking my head called "Room of Angel". They've released clips of it here and there, and people have looped these parts to make what's supposed to be the song, but no one can find it. I want it. Now.

We have done our best (or worst) in Twin Falls, ID. We had three couples show up tonight, and I sold two of the three. We are on to Logan, UT today, and we have seven demos over the weekend. I've got some serious ground to make up if I plan to make any money. With only $18,000 in sales under our belt, and the plan being $100,000 in sales, we have only 20 demos left to write $82,000. That comes down to $4,100 in sales every demo from here on out, and with the couples were seeing, I'm not going to see that happening. If we come away with $70,000 I will be content with that.

I feel like the trip has gone by a bit quicker than I imagined, but I'm still anxious to get home. I'm beginning to really miss Amanda, and I get tired of living out of a suitcase, a few days here, a few days there. Plus all my cool shit is at home, and I miss my friends. A motherfucker gets lonely doing a job like this.

I am not tired right now. I don't even feel an inkling of sleepiness.

I miss Surge-Dew.

Just watched the new Silent Hill 4 trailer, and I've gotta say... it was scary. Very scary.If you wanna see it, go here. It's rather creepy, and makes me very anxious to get my hands on the game. Unfortunately, it's only the four minute version versus the nine minute masterpiece. The release date is June 17 (Amanda's birthday)... in JAPAN!?!? All of us hardcore AMERICAN FANS have to wait until AUGUST! I know it's only a couple months, but fuck. If it's done, it's done. Ship the motherfucker! After a while you get tired of surfing the message boards for info. You just wanna play the game. It's kinda like you've been having foreplay for too long. It's time to get down, make love... or something.

Goddamn, I am such a freak.

Like I said I would, I picked up the new Transformers game for PS2 today. Won't have a chance to play it until the end of the month though. I left my PS back home in the Lou. It looks like it's gonna be very promising though.

Erich called me the other day. He was at the Antique Mall and found a Freddy Krueger doll, something akin to a Barbie, that he picked up for me. I was somewhat suprised that he called me, considering the situation. He also wanted to hang out and grab a few beers which came as another shock, since I'm anti-Toni (his new fiance). I've always thought Erich was a good guy, a little off being british and all, but overall on the up and up. After meeting Toni though, something about him has changed, and it's hard to say if it's for better or worse.

I should be sleeping right now, but I am not tired in the least.

Either there’s something in the water here, or Idaho has a consciousness and it’s making me dream. Normally my dreams are strange, and so was this one, but it was strange in the fact that there wasn’t any violence in it. At all. No sense of fear, anger, happiness…nothing.

First, I was working something of a flea market in a church basement. My booth sucked, as in I wasn’t busy the whole time simply because I really had nothing to sell. Other vendors came and visited me in my booth, having burgers and soda with me, telling me about how the promoter of the flea market was a bitch. I really didn’t think anything of it until she started taking things away from other vendor booths. Next thing I know I’m defending Garbage Pail Kid cards, telling everyone how vomiting is a form of free speech and not an offensive gesture, and hiding the bottle of ketchup I’m drinking out of.

I know. What the fuck?

In other news, I’m actually really looking forward to getting the new Transformers game. The commercial looks cool, and me being me, I’ll probably end up getting it while I’m on the road here in Idaho.

Mark is pissed at me now. I told him earlier that I didn’t want him closing with anyone, and he got mad, thinking that I was telling him that he wasn’t doing his job. In a way, I suppose I was, but at the same time I wanna try something different because we’re not getting the orders that we should be.

Whoo boy. Today was something of a day. Nothing too stressful, I suppose. Just the mental fucking with me I guess.

I heard the other day that the British are endorsing oral sex as a form of teen pregnancy prevention. I generally don't like anything British, but any country that says it's alright to get head is fine in my book.

I've kinda felt like being a dick today. Woke up that way, and I've kinda felt that way ever since. Sometimes it's hard to keep your manners when you're stuck with a 48 year old idiot. Sometimes I just wanna yell at him, just for being who he is. You know how old people have a way of stating the obvious that's just so annoying you wanna slap them? Yeah, it's like that. And rather than work, all the fucker wants to do is eat and see his friends from around the country.

I've been working a lot with Acid too, trying to write some songs. I've had a few stuck in my head, and I'm working on one now. You can tell that it's done on a computer, but at least it's laid out for when and if it's actually played with real instruments.

The new GameBoy DS looks wicked cool. Supposed to be released this fall for somewhere around $150. Two screens, fold in half like the GBASP, works something like a PDA and has Bluetooth capabilities. I'm excitied, but I'm looking forward to the PSP as well.

On the drive from Idaho Falls to Twin Falls, my mindset wasn't the best. I almost started crying while listening to Fear Factory's "Obsolete". how fucked is that?

The demo tonight went as well as it could've, I guess. We had six couples, and I got one of the six. All my dad had to say about it when I called him was bitch that I didn't get more. Normally that doesn't happen, but I can understand it tonight.

Got a 12 pack tonight. I'm only three through, but I plan to kill them all. If you don't like that, or think I have a problem, you can fuck yourself.

Our 3:00 demo didn't happen. We had one couple and I kicked their stupid asses out.

I've been listening to the Silent Hill soundtracks quite a bit recently. I don't know what it is about them, but there's almost something hypnotic about them. The soundtrack to the first game is more or less an hour of sound, like something out of the Devil's workshop. The second one is more melodic, focusing more on rhythm and trying to touch you somewhere you thought no one thing ever could. The third soundtrack takes something of a turn away from the first two, introducing lyrics and spoken word. It's great in it's own right, considering the songs are more laid back and slower paced. I can't really decide which one I like the most, but if I had to pick one right now, I think I'd pick the soundtrack to the first game, considering the mindset I've been in recently.

When I woke up today, I was in a neutral-leaning-towards-agressive mood. I feel alright now, I suppose, but I also feel like I'm ready to fight. Almost like I want to start an arguement with someone.

Berryclear Sprite Remix is probably some of the oddest tasting shit I've ever had. I like it. For whatever reason, if it's strange or something totally off the map, I like it.

I am such a boring fuck.

Happy Mother's Day! Today is the day that we thank our mothers for shooting us out of their uterus, covered in blood and viscera. For changing our shitty diapers. For bringing us into this world where we work our entire lives, most of us never acheiving our goals, just to barely get by. Then, after this hell is over, we die. Thanks mom.

Anyway, did a demo today. Had five show up, sold one. Woo hoo.

I thought I had something to say, but whatever it was is gone. It's not coming to me.

Well, the demo tonight ended up alright. Got 2 out of 4.

I'm going to update the Silent Hill links on my site soon. More like section everything so it's easier to navigate.

Traversed the NIN website. Some interesting stuff there. Trent new section of questions and answers was cracking me up.

My eyes feel like they're burning, and I feel if I smoke another cigarette my lungs are going to close, as I light another one.

Anyway, not much else to report here.

My nose has been running ever since we got here.

Mark and I are in Idaho Falls. That's in Idaho (duh). For the last two months Mark and I have been getting along just fine, but the 23 hour drive yesterday didn't go as smoothly as I would've liked. We hadn't even left from our starting point, and he was bitching about a trip that was going to take place a month from now. Because we had to fly there. Because we were going to fly back to Oregon, he's telling me in the car that he's gonna threaten to quit. He'll go to Oregon, but he's gonna give Tony an ultimatum. For those of you that don't know Tony, ultimatum don't go over very well with him, and I do believe come the end of June, Mark Bruce will no longer be a part of the Royal Prestige family.

Plus, he's the worst fucking driver I've ever seen. This guy is worse than Steve and the Hizzy combined (Sorry guys, but you two have HORRIBLE driving skills). All the time I made up, he lost it for us.

A picture of Mr. Bruce will be available soon, so you can put his child-molesting face to his name.

I'm fucking starving right now, and I'm not thinking straight, so I'm gonna end this here. I'll post more later, I'm sure.

It's been a couple days since I've posted, but nothing much has been going on. Done some tweaking to the R.O.D., been doing a lot with Acid as well, making little songs and such. They've seemed to be greeted with some appreciation, which I suppose is a good thing. Considering two of the four songs I have posted on my site are Silent Hill tributes, I personally like what I've done so far.

The neighbors upstairs have been replaced by new ones, and time shall tell if they're any better than the people that lived there before.

I picked up the new Fear Factory cd yesterday too, and one thing I will say about "Archetype", you can tell they have a new guitarist. Maybe it's too early to say because I didn't listen to the whole thing, but I think that they might have lost what they once had. Maybe it's because they're on a new record label, but I couldn't tell you for sure. The one thing I'm not understanding is the "School" cover. Don't get me wrong, it's fucking awesome that a band like Fear Factory would pay homage to Nirvana, but I don't get it. MachineHead did the same thing, but I'm thinking I like the F.F. cover better. It makes me smile.

Anyway, not much going on. Just thought I'd give all you faithful readers a heads up.

You know, I suppose yesterday could've been a lot worse than it was. It could've been way better, but it also could've been much worse. It's been a long time since I've had a really 'good' day. Hell, I'd settle for just a 'good' one.

I've got another three demos today... one thing you'll find a lot of here is that I do work a lot.

I feel like I slept alright. I think I got about five hours of sleep. Better than Amanda, who apparently only got one. I woke up alright, feeling like it was going to be an okay day, but that changed rather quickly. I wasn't even up five minutes, and already I feel like I shouldn't have bothered getting out of bed.

If you've never had Bawls, you've gotta try it. Probably the best tasting energy drink in the world.

I am so boring.

Oh, one little thing of interest, I suppose. A (used to be) friend of mine is getting married. He was a good guy, until he met his "The One". He's got his head shoved so far up her ass that he's a totally different person. The pussy controls that relationship, because he's just totally thrown away friendships that have lasted at least 8 years for a girl. I know shit like that happens, but the funny part about it is that now he's trying to piss people off about it, simply by asking a specific person to be his best man. The one thing I have to say to that:

"Why the fuck do you all care? We knew he was gonna do. We saw it coming. Why do you all act so hurt? They're both losers and deserve each other, so let them go. It's like getting mad at a baby for shitting it's pants. There's nothing you can do about it, so why feel like there is? Just stop. You've got a life of your own to worry about, don't you?"

Even after that, I'm still more bothered by everyone's reaction to Erich doing this than I am about him doing it. It's funny where priority is.

The one other thing I can think of is that Amanda found the blog (not like I hid it) and needless to say we had a chat about it. She thinks I'm trying to make her look bad, which isn't the case. Even if she did, to all the millions of anonymous web-people out there that don't read this, why would it matter? If anything, it ends up being a poor reflection of me, and what kind of person I am.

This applies to EVERYONE: I started this thing to put down how I feel about things at a certain time. When I want to talk, but feel like I can't. It's really just that simple. If you don't like it, I'm sorry. I'm not out to make anyone feel like they're being put down. If you feel that way, there must be some truth in what I'm saying.

It's Saturday night. I'm sitting here, by myself, having another beer. Today was horrible. I worked all day, basically for free. Working on commission sucks ass.