...death becomes clear through bloodshot eyes...

Song of the Day: "Untitled" - Crossfade

Following Q's example, I have also turned on word verification for comments. I don't feel that it's "forcing my hand", as he put it. I just don't want motherfuckers spamming my comments and my inbox as well.

Tonight was the worst night we've had on the trip so far. Again, we saw four couples, but it was almost like I was trying to teach to a room full of kindergarteners.

Only a few more days here in Texas before I get to come home. I almost feel like I don't want to come home though. I've just got one thought stuck in my head: "What do I have to come home to?"

Maybe I should change "get" to "have".

@Quill: I appreciate you stepping in on my behalf about the NIN tickets, but you really didn't have to do that. After your call, I called both Z and Sparky, and they both said they were still in. I hope so.

That's about all on my front. Thanks for tuning in. Until next time...

Song of the Day: "Bitches" - Insane Clown Posse

Tonight I'm pulling a "T-Bob", as I affectionately call it: Drinking, smoking, reading and not forgetting to "fuck my mother". And her sister too.

Things have been going well there in Irving. There hasn't been one demo I've done so far where I haven't sold at least one order. The only problem is that we're really not seeing a lot of people. On every demo, except for one, we've seen four couples. Tonight we saw six, and got three of them. I just hope we see more people before we get out of town. Things have been going well with TJ as well.

@Nix: I still wish you were here instead. I think things would be much more fun than they are now.

I've actually been reading Buffy and Angel books recently. I got two of them at the Dollar Store the other day. I'm fiending for more, since the show is no longer on the air. I'm sure I noted this before, but I picked up the "Firefly" DVDs as well. I haven't watched any of them yet, but I plan to soon.

I'm feeling a little better tonight, but that might be the beer starting to kick in. I guess the biggest reason I didn't type what I was thinking last night was because I figured there'd be questions I didn't want to or wasn't ready to answer publicly.

Basically what it all boils down to is this: As a whole, I just don't feel happy. I feel unfufilled in a lot of aspects. I know a lot of you might just pass it off as "Oh, Scott is never happy", and that's fine. All I know is I've never felt this kind of emptiness. Ever. Where it's coming from, I have something of an idea. There are some other aspects I'm not so sure about.

And now, to end this, another dream sequence:

I'm in a library with Beaver, and he's pointing out some Stephen King books that are special editions. They're "Green Mile" books, but they're huge. I ask about buying them when Corey shows up with a beer in his hand. Suddenly I'm in my Uncle's kitchen, having a drink with Corey. Then I'm in some underground facility. There are tons of desks and computers. It's a game-testing facility. They have a copy of every game in existance there, and they're for sale.

Why is it I can never really get the things I want?

Song of the Day: "The Road" - Hednoize

I watched the strangest movie earlier tonight. "Ichi The Killer" was the name. Some Japanese flick; might've very well been horror. Some guy in this black suit/armor runs around cutting people up with blades that are in the heels of his shoes. It looks worse than it sounds. Some of it actually disturbed me.

Anyway, I can't sleep tonight. I should be tired, but I'm up to my old tricks again.

Head touch pillow, brain start working.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had a few paragraphs typed up where the broken line is now. Every time I tried to say what I wanted to, it felt wrong to let it out. It felt like I was asking for attention.

Goddamn, I hate me sometimes.

Song of the Day: "Die (And Die Now)" - Devildriver

We made it here to Texas alright.

We had one demo yesterday, and sold one of four couples. Today, we had 11, 4, and 4 (the amount of people that showed up at each demo) and sold three orders all day. At least they were some big orders.

I had the strangest dream last night. I'm going to share it with you now.

It's night and raining outside. I'm standing in the front doorway of an old one-story house, the kind you'd find in an old downtown district. I'm wearing a white hospital gown and I'm choking on my own tongue. Sarah is out at her car, going to get me a glass of water. My mouth is open, catching the rain as it's falling from the sky, and I feel my tongue become looser in my throat. As she comes back up the walk my tongue shoots from my mouth and wraps itself around her neck. I'm smiling wickedly as I draw her closer, and then I eat her whole... with my left arm. I begin walking down the middle of the dark wet street, the whole of her writhing in my arm.

Flash

I'm back in front of the house. It's now day and I have dispersed her remains, through my bowels, all over the front yard. There is a small garden in the front of the house, and I frantically begin to dig up rock and fertilizer, wanting to hide what's left of the blood/shit-covered hunks of meat. I'm panicking. I know why, but at the same time I really don't know why. I keep thinking to myself that no one will miss her, but don't want to find out what will happen if someone does.

There was more, I think, but I don't really remember. It's been a while since I posted a weird one, so I just thought I'd share.

I'll keep in touch.

Song of the Day: "A Modern Myth" - 30 Seconds To Mars

Wow, I am one lazy fuck.

In an hour, I'm out the door to Texas. I'll be there til the end of the month. Hooray.

Saw 30 STM on Monday. Those of you that didn't go missed a great fucking show.

Been playing a lot of Worms: Forts Under Siege with Dave and Corey lately. Especially Dave.

Picked up a game called Still Life which plays something like an episode of CSI, just way more gruesome. Also picked up Firefly on DVD. Figured I'd give it a shot and see if the movie will be worth seeing (BTW, the movie is called Serenity). Plus it's Joss Whedon, so it really shouldn't be too bad.

I'm dreading the trip, but I must go. I'll talk to you later.

Song of the Day: "April Suits" - Taproot

Just a quickie.

I leave for Vernon Hills with my dad today. I'll be back Saturday, or at least I should be.

Sarah messaged me the other day. She was pissed that I told people she was pregnant again, like she didn't know that I would. Wish I could've slapped her, but no such luck.

Picked up a few new games on Tuesday. Haven't had a chance to play most of them yet.

I've also been contemplating a few things rather heavily as well. Might be more on that later.

But I've got some good news. I just saved tons of money on my car insurance...

Fuck that.

Song of the Day: "Swinging The Dead" - Devildriver

First and foremost: Thank you to everyone for your concern. I appreciate it more than you know, and so does my brother. I think he was actually suprised that anyone outside of his group of friends would care. He had his jaw wired shut today, and it'll be another couple of months before he's ready to eat solid food again.

I'm so glad he's okay.

The next little tidbit of news most of you know about, but I'm gonna bring it up here anyway. Sarah (my ex) is pregnant. Again. Her first child is 10 months old, and the one she has on the way will grow up without a biological father, just like the first one. Someone needs to learn to put the dick down.

I also picked up a new phone the other day. In a fit of anger I smashed my other one on the leg of my coffee table and busted the screen beyond any type of visibility. So I got a black Razr. If I ask for phone numbers, please don't be upset. I'm just trying to rebuild my phone book. Hopefully I can salvage what's on my other phone, but it's not looking too promising.

At any rate, I just got back from Springfield and I'm feeling pretty worn out. I shall talk to you all later.

Song of the Day: "The Fantasy" - 30 Seconds To Mars

My brother had a bad car accident yesterday.

After being out at Gateway all day, he was leaving a friends house. He hit a tree in the subdivision. He was going so fast that he totaled his car. He bent his steering wheel.

How he was going so fast, I don't know.

When the ambulance showed up, he denied medical attention. The police, however, suggested to my parents that he be took to the hospital just in case. They did, of course. His hands were beat to shit. He had busted his chin open. He had a one inch gash in his tongue from biting it, which he needed three stitches for. He's got a huge knot on his head. He broke his jaw and had a few of his teeth knocked loose. He also had a concussion.

He couldn't remember anything after the accident. He told the doctor he hit another car, or at least he thought he did. The events of the day were a total blur. All he kept asking was, "Is my car alright?" He was told 4 dozen times that the car was gone.

I went to the hospital last night at midnight to go see him, and the look in his eyes was scary. He looked lost, like he didn't know where he was. He remembered everyone, was able to repeat phone numbers and addresses, etc. The adrenaline was still wearing off from the accident, and he was laying in the hospital bed shaking like he was going into convulsions.

He was kept at the hospital last night. He's going to be laid up with a wired jaw for about two months.

I just wanted to get that out.