...death becomes clear through bloodshot eyes...

Song of the Day: "Southbound" - Vision Of Disorder

I know my schedule for July.

I get home on July 2nd and have off until July 5th. (Keep in mind that on the 2nd, my plane doesn't land until after 7:00 pm, and once you get home you've got laundry to do, and the whole day is a waste, so it doesn't count.) On the 6th and 7th, I have meetings that I have to attend, all day mind you. Then on the 8th thru the 12th, I'm in Effingham and Springfield doing demos. I'm home for three days, then I leave on the 16th, spending another two weeks in Dalls, Texas.

I don't ever wanna hear about how you hate your job. I don't even get a fucking week off most months.

You wonder why I'm so bitter sometimes. I spend months at a time dealing with stupid people, and you'd think with as much time as I spend away I'd be a fucking millionare. I make enough to take care of business, don't get me wrong, but the amount of time spent on the road vs. the paycheck at the end of the month doesn't seem to equal out.

I have just enough time to come home, cash a check, pay my bills, do some laundry, and then it's back to the grind. My dad says I shouldn't live to pay my bills, but that's all I do.

Anyway, I'm going to depart now. I'm sure I'll come up with more to complain about later.

Song of the Day: "It's Still Happening" - Tweaker

We didn't do a demo tonight. We had one couple and I blew them off.

Beer is becoming a good friend again.

Amanda has a job for the week at Crestwood Mall working receptionist.

Kurdt wrote it best: "I hate myself and want to die".

I can't stop listening to the Silent Hill 4 soundtrack.

I really don't want to work tonight. My heart isn't into it today.

Why did I bother calling her back? She won't shut up.

Sarah called me a left me a message earlier, asking me to let her know if it was alright if she called my dad for something. Figuring I'd save my dad the headache, I called her back. I knew what she was asking for, so I told her not to bother calling him because my dad doesn't know what to do with the girls he has. Then she went on to tell me about her baby, and how dialated her uterus is. Then she had to tell me about how she lost her job while spending a weekend at the Lake. Then she continued on to tell me about how all her family got all new cars. She spent a lot of time talking about her sisters cars.

And then she's trying to flatter me.

She admitted that she's still hung up on me. She still loves me.

...fuck...

For those of you that don't know, Sarah is an ex-girlfriend of mine who was just psycho. I spend two and a half years with her, trying to help her with whatever problems she had, and all she ever did was complain and lie about everything. So we broke up, and every so often she calls me, and won't stop ranting.

So now I'm sitting here just listening to her babble about shit.

I'm pathetic.

Song of the Day: "Weak and Powerless (Tilling My Grave Mix) - A Perfect Circle

The day is done, and a long day it was. We had three demos today and sold four orders for $5,800. That sucks.

I got about two and a half hours of sleep last night. You'd think I'd be exhausted right now, but three beers later, I'm still going.

It looks like this years Independence Day firework bomb will be made after all. Corey has been put in charge of buying them all this year, as I won't be getting back in town until Friday. I still can't decide if I'm going to have a gathering my place or not, but knowing me I will.

Mark is watching something on A&E about cleavage.

I had another odd dream last night.

For whatever reason, I'm at Oakville Senior, running around some unmapped area of the high school compound. It's an area where some teachers and a lot of other "worker bees" do a lot of their work. Heather (Steve's wife) happens to be working there, but at the time I'm looking for her, I can't find her. I don't even know why I'm looking for her, I just am.

I can't find her, so I get the idea to run around the cafeteria naked. (I dunno know why, but I've been naked in a lot of my dreams recently.)The only problem is that the cafeteria is just a huge room, crammed with an ungodly amount of people, and the fluorescent lighting is red. I scurry into a little three-walled booth, the opening crossed over with police 'crime scene' tape, and I stand there, yelling at everyone until a cop walks over to arrest me.

I don't know what the fuck is going on anymore.

I run I fall what ripped away check my body
Was it body or soul
The darkness fades, fades to the light
Disappearing now, disappears from the night

And all these nightmares I once had as a child
The morning always came it came too late
What did my mind forget forget to hide
Could be the nightmare be awake I don't know

In or out up or down never know its an illusion
Round and round on and on, every day spins my confusion

Not again, not again, not again, this dream I can't awake
What is real, what is real, what is real, it's getting hard for me to take
What I need, what I need, what I need, a little somethin' I rely
And the white sugar gently hides me

Oh the sweet sugar saves me it's the room that confines me
confines me ... sweet sugar

Yesterday back and forth broken door no longer opens
Breaking down need it now mothers sugar always loves me

Not again, not again, not again, this dream I can't awake
What is real, what is real, what is real, it's getting hard for me to take
What I need, what I need, what I need, a little somethin' I rely
And the white sugar gently hides me

Oh the sweet sugar saves me it's the room that confines me

Song of the Day: "Someday" - Sloth

We have arrived in Tigard. We were supposed to do a 4:00 demo today, but I didn't do it. We still have one scheduled for 7:00 though, so we'll see what happens there.

I read somewhere the other night that Silent Hill 4 was intially going to be another survival horror title from Konami. Since they already had Silent Hill, they decided to stick with it. Take a look at the gameplay, and it makes sense.

Tired and short tempered. Don't fuck with me.

We leave in about an hour for Medford, OR.

I haven't slept all night.

Song of the Day: "We Are" - Vertical Horizon

The two orders we wrote tonight don't look too good. I hate it when people have bad credit.

Well, a week down and one week left to go. I don't know why I bother counting these trips down, because as soon as we get back from one place it's off to some other fuckhole city.

I need to start paying my bills down so I can start saving some cash. I'm tired of never having but enough money to pay my bills and then buy a case of beer. That's still my big plan for the year: Pay the $4,000 I have in credit card debt.

Hasn't been working too well for me though. Too much crap that I want.

I have been strangly horny on this trip too. Everyday I've felt the need to fuck, but (obviously) haven't done so. So it's been off to the bathroom every night. Or wait until Mr. Bruce is asleep so my ass doesn't fall asleep on the toilet. I fucking hate that.

I had a dream last night.

I was with Amanda and we were swimming in her front yard, but her entire front yard was something like sewer water. Her trailer sat on a block of concrete, and was two stories. We were both naked, and as we were outside there were these odd creatures that had the skintone of stone but they moved, almost as if they used their skin color to hide out in the open, looking like garden ornaments.

Anyway, we eventually ended up inside, where I'm running around their house naked, in front of Amanda's mother as well, looking for a towel so I can take a shower. As I'm doing so, Amanda finds some audio tape left by Steve S. along with some note proclaiming his undying love for her. This note also comes with a picture of his new girlfriend. They both laugh about it, and I never figure out where the towel is because they're too busy talking about Steve. So I just stand there holding my nuts until I just decide to take a shower and put my clothes on without drying off, but I couldn't find my clothes.

Song of the Day: "Tender Sugar" - Akira Yamaoka (This is a great song.)

I've probably smoked well over my quota today, considering I forgot my inhaler at home. I'm sure I'll be paying for it tomorrow, but I don't care.

We had fifteen fucking couples show up tonight. Of those, we sold three for $4,800. That's not too bad considering I thought we were going to blank the whole time I was doing the demo.

I have an ungodly headache right now. The fact that I've been drinking hasn't helped any. I took a sleeping aid last night (beer), and I woke up with a hangover, something that hasn't happened in a long time. So tonight I am drinking again. Go figure.

I don't really have much else to say right now. I might be back with more later.

Song of the Day: "Wait" - Earshot

I just woke up. I fell asleep about two. Mark was trouncing his fat ass around a bit earlier, heading down to get some free breakfast. I am somewhat pissed at the fact that he ate my leftover pizza though. I paid for it, he didn't want any, and the night I got it there was half left when I was done. I open the box about 5 minutes ago and there's one piece left. He didn't even tell me he was taking it. I might just ask him for the $8 for what he ate.

I got Winmx as well. I've tried using it before, but Hiz was right. The results are much better with it rather than Kazaa, and there's lots more to choose from. (But a lot of the shit is mislabeled.)

I'm also not so sure how things are anymore. Pretty much with everything, and I'm sure everyone goes through something like this, but I can't stand the way I've been feeling recently. Even when I've been home, things haven't been right. I've felt pretty isolated and I'm in that frame of mind where I want to be, but I don't want to be. All at the same time.

Go ahead, say it: "That is fucked up."

Everything feels fake. I feel I have nothing to rely on but myself.

I'm really starting to think I need medication, because the only thing that's been making me feel better on this trip is the fact that I'm doing the demo and getting good results. I hate this job, muchless doing the demo.

I'm not going to write anymore now. Sorry to be a drag and confuse.

Song of the Day: "Confinement" - Akira Yamaoka (I have a feeling you'll be seeing a lot of this man's name mentioned here soon)

I wish I could fall asleep like Mr. Bruce. That fat fucker can fall asleep standing up. It is funny looking at him while he sleeps. He looks like a fat little kid that's got too much food in his mouth.

I also don't like Kazaa. You find something you wanna download (in this case porn), and when you click to download the file is no longer available for download. Bastards.

I had pizza again for dinner tonight. A local place called Track Town Pizza. Pretty good stuff.

Even though I already bought it, I'm downloading the Silent Hill 4 soundtrack now. I can't wait!

We wrote $7,000 tonight. I'm thinking this trip is gonna be the best of the year. So far, at least.

Anyway, this trip might go faster than initially thought, and I'm already excited to get home.

Song of the Day: "Emotion Sickness" - Silverchair

The sun is starting to come up here in Eugene, OR.

I should be sleeping, but at the same time I feel I should be doing something.

This is unhealthy.

Amanda, in case you happen to read this sometime soon, I ordered your movie a few minutes ago. Consider it another birthday present, belated.

Song of the Day: "Habit" - Skrape

Here it is, five to 3 a.m., and I've got another mini-pizza in the microwave.

"Devil's Advocate" is on TNT. What a great fucking movie.

"Kevin, we talked about this... pressure..."

You'd think that after only three hours of sleep last night and doing three demos, I'd be tired as hell. I'm not. That's why I think I'm gonna be hating tomorrow.

The other thing is: Mark hasn't shut up all night. Every so often, he'll start talking and just won't stop. He was sleeping, which I was thankful for, but he woke up and now he won't be quiet.

I like Pop-Tarts.

Today I purchased the Silent Hill 4 soundtrack and The Art Of Silent Hill DVD. I also ordered a Multi-Region DVD player a few days ago. I'm getting some cool toys when I get back. Call it an early birthday gift to myself.

I am so bored. If any of you who read this can hook me up with some interesting websites to check out, let me know. Thanks.

Song of the Day: "Welcome" - Slipknot

We have arrived in Eugine, OR. I'm tired, and we're supposed to get up in five hours to set up, and do three demos. I'm not really all that tired, and we haven't even started the trip and I'm ready to come home.

I was reading "Black House" on the plane ride out here. It's the sequel to "The Talisman", both of which written by Stephen King and Peter Straub. I've had it for a while and tried reading it before, but I'd lose interest after the first fifty pages, waiting for something of a return to the first story, but now being a little over 100 pages in, it's starting to get good.

Tweaker - "2 a.m. Wake-Up Call" - Now, I must say, that anyone that has heard the first album, "The Attraction To All Things Uncertain", Chris Vrenna definitely knows how to write a song and hold your attention. With this follow-up album, I think he's stepped it up a bit, showcasing more guest vocalist on this album, including Robert Smith from The Cure. It does sound somwhat generic, in the sense that you can tell that there's a heavy NIN influence as of "instruments" used, but it's catchy as hell, and I can't seem to get a lot of the songs out my head. I definitely recommend the album to anyone. It's better than the first.

At any rate, I think I should bring this wonderful entry to a close. I'm sure I'll post more tomorrow. I seem to write more when I'm gone. Maybe it's because I have a little privacy to do so. Anyway, goodnight to all

Song of the Day: "Cauterized" - Tweaker

Oregon is on the agenda today: flying out and 7:00 pm and right now I'm not even packed. I'm out for the rest of the month. I don't wanna go. Same old, same old.

It was Amanda's birthday yesterday. She is now 23. I hope that she enjoyed it.

I've got a pit in my stomach today. I really don't know what to write. I feel like there's so much I want to do right now, but I don't know what. Every trip always feels like a death sentence. Almost like I'm never coming back. I swear if I could find something else, I would.

Why can't I be simple like everyone else?

Song of the Day: "My Long Walk To Jail" - Filter

The Dallas trip went about as well as it could've, I suppose. However, the high-speed internet access wouldn't work. Apparently, the firmware the company uses wasn't compatible with my Vaio, and a specific Dell laptop, the name of which has escaped me.

Sorry Hiz, but Amanda ended up going with me to Dallas. I hope that your move still went well.

Watched Donnie Darko again a couple hours ago. Apparently a directors cut re-release happened a little earlier this month, which I might see if I can find it somewhere. Although the website for the movie is strange.

I am so jacked about Silent Hill 4. I keep wanting to run out into my living room and play it, but it hasn't even been released yet. What a putz.

I'm also excited about is the computer that Joe will be builing for me. It's looking like it's gonna be a sweet setup. The only stipulation is that he needs the money for it, and I don't have $2,200 just laying around. I guess I'll just have to have him do it in installments.

My dad wants me to have a party at my place. No one in my family, outside of my brother, has seen it since I've moved in and had a chance to straighten things up. He's thinking sometime next month, and he's already told me that he'd fund it (food, beverages, etc.), and call it a "house-warming party" so my family can buy me more shit that I might not need.

But I'm always up for free shit.

Sun's up. Time to go to bed. (Or hop in the coffin. Whatever you prefer.)

Song of the Day: "Usagi" - Akira Yamaoka

I'm not so sure my ears have completely healed from the concert on Tuesday night. They're still feeling a little funny.

Amanda and I played a couple board games last night, which was rather fun. We played the Buffy game (her favorite show), and the Transformers: Armada game (my favorite show). I liked the Buffy game, which didn't really suprise me, but the Transformers game was much more fun than I would've initially thought. I'm glad I had an opportunity fo finally play it.

I'll be honest with you: I think this is the best four days I've had off in quite some time. Granted most of it was just sitting around playing board games, it wasn't just sitting around doing nothing, and it was nice to get out and hear some live music as well.

I've also been talking to Joe about building me a new desktop. It's gonna run me about $2,000, but I'm excited about it and hope to get him some funds so he can begin construction soon.

And on a sour note, Steve lost his job after three weeks of employment of Horizon Homes. They told him that the position they hired him for really wasn't needed anymore, so they had to let him go. I feel bad for him, losing a job that he worked so hard for in such a short period, but at least he's got leads for other jobs as well.

It seems like when I'm home, I've got a lot of shit to say, huh?

Song of the Day: "Act Of God" - Fear Factory

Well, tomorrow evening we leave for Dallas, Texas. I'm not so sure what I should be expecting from this trip. Also, the fact that my parents are going to be there this weekend is odd. They're just going because my uncle has tickets to the Cardinal games there.

Went to see Scarlet Whore last night. There were two other bands there; Chaos Order and some other band (didn't get the name). All local, all pretty good. I really only went for Hiz, but everyone else there seemed to pretty much be there for Phildabeast (their drummer). Hell, even Erich and Toni made the show.

Speaking of, Erich asked me last night to be in his wedding party. I saw it coming. I could tell by the look in his face. I gave him a non-committal answer, seeing as I really don't wanna be in the wedding.

Otherwise, nothing much else to report. Spaghetti for dinner. Board games with Amanda.

Song of the Day: "Starless" - Crossfade

The weekend in Sedalia and Columbia started off alright, but ended up being a waste of time. This coming weekend, I get to go to Dallas, following up after Tommy and Jeff. (I know to most, these names hold no meaning, but it's of no consequence here.)

This job might not be such a good thing, as in it's only proving to me that not only that people don't care about what I have to say, but moreso that they don't care about themselves. These stupid motherfuckers that say "Hell, I like MY teflon"... I'd like to put a bullet into each one of their heads and save them the trouble. Then the ones that say they're broke, how I'd like to ask them "Why are you getting married"?

Hello everyone. I apologize for my long absence, but seeing as when I got back from Utah all the stormy weather had knocked out my internet service, but I have returned to the my ever-so-loving Blog community.

Amanda and I went over to Erich and Toni's condo the other night. I must say that Toni was suprisingly nice that night. Rather hospitable actually. Some theorize that it was because she was in her own home. Which, if is true, I still feel sorry for Erich. I will say that when we were playing a board game (he was losing) he was acting somewhat like a child. The electricity went out shortly after we arrived as well, and didn't come back on until shortly before we left, so we played the games in candlelight. Otherwise, the night went rather smoothly in my opinion.

I also received the Freddy "doll" that he picked up for me. He makes a nice addition to all the other fun crap that I have.

I'm still not going to be in his wedding though. It's a matter of principal now.

I also picked up four new CD's:
Slipknot "The Subliminal Verse" - I'm not so sure what they were trying to achieve here. It almost sounds like a lot of Stone Sour influence on this album. Maybe they're trying to fade away, rather then burn out.

Crossfade "Crossfade" - I'll be honest with you. So far, I really only like the first two tracks on the CD.

Dropbox "Dropbox" - I bought this because they are featured on the new Transformer game soundtrack, and having only listened to the first few tracks, I was not impressed.

Drowning Pool "Desensitized" - I haven't even listed to this CD yet.

I am now also wireless with my internet capabilities. Yay me.

In a few hours I am leaving for Sedalia and Columbia MO for the weekend, doing demos. I kinda feel that I didn't have enough time off, but I'm also somewhat motivated to get back to work. I'm about $30,000 behind the man that I need to beat, which is good considering I still have a little over half the year to beat him. It's a race, but a slow and steady kind.

It was great to be home, but it's back to the grind as they say. I really wish I had a job in town. Sometimes I feel like I miss out on so much.

Wow, that was long.